Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
