Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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