how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
