I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
