WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
