so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
