Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
