Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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