i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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