Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
