Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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