I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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