I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
