Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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