Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
