made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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