i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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