Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
And then he peed in my hair
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