You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
