Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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