I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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