mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
