The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
