Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
