I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
