Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
