I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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