I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
me + whiskey = a bad person
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
