i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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