1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
