Please, let me fuck your mom
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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