wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
