I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
