I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Randomize
