WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
