Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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