She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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