hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
