there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Blood and glitter go together right?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
