Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
