I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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