I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
