Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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