I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
