filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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