Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
