I look better un-naked...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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