I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
