Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
