I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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